Mega post, NOT FINISH.

I said in my last post, that there were many things that I had wanted to talk about. Some, of which, I mentioned, some I did not. But, more important, I talked about something else completely different from what I had wanted to do. While wondering about the use of blogs, and how they compare to "tradional" journals. There are other things now, that are more pertenent, and other things that I just need to talk about, for my own well being and sanity.

There, is now however, the issues, with the color scheme of the site. ~J(Jen Wolfe), said, that it was very difficult to read, and while, I may not have had as much difficulty as some, I wouldn't want to cause eye damge to those who chose to read what i put here. So, I changed it. Though, to me, it seems to have now a decidely femeine feel. I'll continue to fool around and try to find the right mix of readabilty and design that I like. That being said, I appricate any input that any of you might have concerning a way to come to a happy medium.


PLEASE CONSIDERE THIS A DAFT, THIS POST IS NOT FINISHED.. WHEN IT IS, I WILL RE MOVE THIS LINE.

Concerning Friends:
Stepping into the way back machine, when i was dating Nichole. I visited her while she was at Rider University in New Jesery, right outside of Trenton. Long, of the short there, I got to meet a few of her friends, and of course her roomate. One of her more intersting friends was a girl by the name of Bethany Eden. Actually... I only found out her last name, as of just recently, it's quite odd actually, people who you become friends with at the college level, unless your really close friends and hang out a lot, there are a lot of last names that you don't end up knowing. Anyhow. When I was there in NJ, visiting Nichole, it was a running joke that, she and I wore the exact same boots from American Eagle(though, of course, i had the male version, and she had the female version) and that we both used the exact same contact solution. At any rate, we talked a bit, and my interaction with her at the time was some what minimal. So, that weekend then ended, and sometime after that Nichole then started to see Matt. From what I understand Bethany was pulling for me.. hehe but, as history has told it... obviously she didn't have enough pull :-P but, that is quite alright, as i've been told by so many, everything happens for a reason. I've also came to find out, that why Nichole and I were together, she often said that Bethany and I should date. Quite odd, if you ask me, but... hehe... obviously Nichole, did think we should have been togther. Again, as one of my favorite sayings go. "Such is life." So, now... I guess that is enough background information concerning that whole situation. Situation. such a conotative word... what does that mean... what does using the word imply... getting back on track. Nichole and I are still very good friends, and we talk, on what I would consider to be, an almost nightly basis. One, wednesday though, she had just got back from NYC, from an interview for an internship with Modern Bride. I can only imagine, what it was like to be there, with the crew that she took up there. From what i remember, I believe it was, Nichole, her parents, her grandparents and Bethany. Now, from what I understand Bethany is quite comfortable navigating the wild zoo most of us call NYC, so i'm sure everything went fine. But, reguardless of Bethany's navigating skills, i'm sure that the raininng cold weather somewhat put a damper on the happy mood. So, when, on that Wednesday, I saw Nichole become avilable, I of course asked her how everything went. And, the converstaion seemed fairly normal, and, I was told about everything that happened, and blah blah blah. At, one point though, some how Bethany was brought up... I believe in relationship to our AE boots. So, the next day, when i saw Bethany on-line. I thought, what they hey... i'll say what's up and tell her.. why i had to get new boots(anyone who has seen the boots in question at all this year will know why i had to get rid of them). Often, as I do, i started off the converstaion in spanish, or more correctly, what spanish i can magage to have simple converstaions in. So, that was the start. We had some similar interests and what not, and ended up talking for a very long time. And that seemed to continue pretty much nightly for pretty much every night. We would have our 4+ hours of very nice, genuwine coverstaion and night, and it was good. Good to have some to talk to about, pretty much anything. I truely believe that converstaion is becoming a lost art form, and I believe i'm lucky enough to have friends that not only poscess that artisic ability, but masters of it(there are a few of you, you know who you are, BE, JW, NM). At this point, i must stress, that, I had just recently been left out of a 2.5 year relationship. So it was nice to have someone to talk to, she had been going through somthing very similar, is the not so distanct past, making it very easy for us to share feeling about certain situations and the such. We, were, and still.. remain only friends, despite whatever you ready here might imply. So, anyway... at some point she suggested that i come up for a day and hang out, so... i said... kewl... i had wanted to see Nichole, and everything, so i thought it would be a good opouruntiy to see her, and hang out w/ a new friend. So that is what, I did... Very nice weekend. Not, too long after that, Rider let out of xmas break, and every went home. I then went up for New Years, it was exactly what i needed... just a chill night, with a good friend. Minutes of the day said, "good time was had by all." Bethany, as your reading this.. haha.. i know your going to be very upset.. saying... this wasn't what you had execpted i was going to talk about, and that it's not like your posts about when we hang out... hehe... well tough :)... this is what i want to talk about... and this is what your getting.. Take it or leave it ! =8-)

Then there are the KU hotties :P haha. No, I must admit, the girls of 414 Main, have been life savers for me. Amanda, as always, you have been a true friend in every sense of the word. Andy, though we weren't all that close in high school, I must admit, I have very much appricated your friendship, our coverstaion, and your abilty to drive me home from the hosptial. Trisha... oh Trisha.... i wish we could talk more :) Jess..... your too crazy.... and you need to keep after that turtle a bit better.... hehe, no wonder it doesn't eat, it's tired of having to swim around in it's own mucky shit filled water. I've also figured out, why, Jess, you look so familar. It's because you remind me of Avril Lagvine(spelling?). And then there is Katie, and Katie, don't know either of them as well as I would like, but they are kewl none the less, and i'm sure that, i'll get to know them better over this next semester. But to all of you, whether you know or not... you guys helped me out a lot, I need some cool people to hang out with, and you guys are the coolest, don't ever change! Hopefully we can still be friends even after i crashed the party :)

And, last but not least of all, there is my BITCH, hehe.... the one and only Ashley Rittle. To be competly honest, I can't even really remember how the whole bitch then came about. But, I am her Bitch, and she is mine. haha... I couldn't have a better Bitch. As with all my friends, she has always been there for me when i've been in my lows. It's always nice to hang out with friends, there is no doubt about that. Be they new friends, old friends, or just some what of an aquaintance. There is nothing better than hanging out with good people. Ashely and I, had always tried to make plans to hang out, but they just always seemed to fall through. She was working full time, and going to school full time, and I was working more than full time, plus lived about 40-45 minutes away, so.. making plans that fit both our schdules, was needless to say, somewhat difficult. However, the thursday before Chirstmas, we were finaly able to make plans to hang out together, and so, a small gang of us, Ashely, Maria Campion, and Katie Stom all met up at Applebee's, where we also saw Mandy Wampler, and then went to see "Meet the Fockers", which I must say is quite an excellent movie, I would say better than the first. Anyway. Everyone has friends, and frienships come and go, some fade out, and some just plain end. But, everyone has those friends, that, even when you haven't talked to them in a while, your still able to hang out w/ them, like nothing ever happened. Ashley is that friend, it was awesome to hang out w/ someone.. and just be carefree, and hang out and talk.. and laugh, and everything. All too often, when you see some a friend, or someone from your past, it's akward to try to play "catch up" w/ that person. There was none of that... just great a great time. Although, i was disapointed to see that she had picked up the nast habbit of smoking. But i'm sure i'll be able to break her of that habbit. Ashely, YOUR THE BEST BITCH EVER DON'T EVER CHANGE :)

Concerning Love:
As i had stated in an earlier post, I continuely struggle w/ the ideas of love, what they mean, what they are, what they aren't, so one and so forth. Also, invovled with that whole idea of love is the idea of a soul mate, or the perfect person. Is, there just one person that you are ment to be with.. is your soul mate, just one person, that you are out to find... or is a soul mate something that is created, not found ? Blah... sometimes, the whole idea of love just digusts me. I guess, only because, recently it has left a bitter taste in my mouth. But I think, I have to believe, that love leads our lives, that it's a motiavtor, a means, and an ends. "I have to believe, the love I give, will be returned back to me." -John Mayer. I recently had a converstaion with Nichole about love, and the such, so I hope that she doesn't mind if I use parts of our coverstaion as a springboard for me to be able to talk about some of the things i think about.

"do u think when u meet the person ur gonna marry u just know?"

My responce was something of this nature(same idea, just cleaned it up for a post, instead of the way i talk on AIM

"I don't know any more, I used to think so, and I would still very much like to believe in that. But, after each relationship, there are holes, voids, that can't be filled, memories that can't be reclaimed, and sometimes I think, you have to go w/ the best meories, and just make it work, but, i hate the idea of having to try to make a relationship work. I feel, it should just be, right, and wonder, and easy. Being in love, maddly, passionatly, should be simple and easy, it should be able to rule over anything and everything, there shouldn't be any hard time, or anything that has to be "worked through." Anything that might, from the outside, be percevied as a "problem" would works it's self out so naturaly, and easily, because of the love. But, that is a dream, i'm not sure if that type of love exsits.... i just don't know."

I would like to think, that is love, true love. That, the love is so right, so perfect, that everything is aligned perfectly, and everything falls into place, and it's simple, and amazing. I've been in relationships, and have known people, that the meaning of love, and the meaning of relationships, was dervived from "fighting" for the relationship, that the more you fought to stay together, and the more work, you did to stay together, the more powerful the love is, and that was how sigificange of a relationship was judged. I stil, even after all this time, can't really buy into that whole idea. No doubt, there is certinaly a need to have relationships that haven't worked in the past, to be able to really appricate, the simplicty and easy of a true love, that simply falls into place. Some might say though, that, having something so easy, having it work... with out problems, means it's not worth anything, the old monkier, "anything worth having, isn't easy" i guess could be used, but I still can't leave this idea, that... love.. true love, mad, deep, passionate love, should be easy.

There is also the problem, of which, can this type of thing even exist? Is what I want, what i want love to be, just a dream, a fantasy, something that so many people look for, but then are never able to find. I would hate to think, that there are so many people that may want what i want, but are never able to find it, and believe it can't be found, and settle for the next best thing. "There are too many medicore things in life, love shouldn't be one of them." -dfai. How true that quote is. I also sometimes wonder, if somehow society unknowing(or knowingly) places restrictions on our ability to find true love, to find our soul made(if it is indeed, something to be found). In todays world of business and corporate greed, people more concerned with making money, getting that promoption, and things of that nature. You also have kids growing up in one parents house holds, kids having to deal w/ split familes, kids being brought up by mass media, and day care centers. Can, anyone really know what love is all about, with all these sorts of things that go on, and, now... like everything, we have become desensatized to it all. It's doesn't seem to really concern anyone that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, that, more and more kids are having to grow up w/o out knowing know a father, or a mother. Society, doesn't seem to place any emphasis on any sort of vaules any more. *SIDETRACK While, I don't believe, it's right what our government, or any governments of the world try to do to instill morals into the youth of the world, I do reconize the need for the US, and all nations, to get back to roots, to instill a since of family, to make sure, people are guided by morals and rightness, not money, or power. I just don't believe it is the place of the government to take such actions, each person, each family, needs to empower themselves to make such things happen. END SIDETRACK* I often think about a simple life, what it would have been like, to get married youg and just living, having a very simple life, growing old w/ that person, never having to spend a day away from them. Perhaps the Amish are on to something there. ::sigh::

There is also, the idea of a Soul mate, that perfect person.... the one. The first thing i struggle with is, finding or creating. Is a soul mate someone, that is out there, for you to find. That, by chance you've been put in a situation to be near that person, and that, one day, you realize, and find, that person is the one... the one person you are suppose to be with, that there can't possibly anyone else in the entire world, that could match up as perfectly as you and this person. There are billions of people on the planet, can i believe, that the person i'm suppose to be with, my soul mate, is right here, in the town i live in, or someone, i've yet to meet? Each year, there are advances in transportation, communnincation, and now.. people all over the world are now more "connected," able to talk w/ people they never have before, and, apparently, finding love in places that was ever possible before, on-line. Can I think that these people are now able to find their soul mates? What happened before the internet, before, this "wonderful" age of communiation. Am I to think, that people weren't able to find their soul mates simply because, they were never to run into them? It also brings up the question, does everyone have a soul mate? or, are soul mates something that are rare, that only are given to some, and not others. I wonder, how many people have a soul mate, but are never able to find that person, or able to realize that they have one. Or, I wonder, do people trick themselves into beliving that they are with their soulmate, when really, it's only second best. All of this depends though on the idea that a soul mate is someone to be found, that it's predetermined one specific person is that right person for you. There, with this idea, is also a large factor of religion and faith. Some might say or believe, that God will deterime it for me, and that, (s)he will lead me to my perfect partner. It would seem free will would play no part in this manner, and that predetermniation is the ruling factor here. I'm not sure how i feel about that.

So, that then leaves us w/ the idea, that a soul mate is something created, something you mold w/ a person, perhaps, it true love in it's highest form. I'm not sure, how if feel about this view eithe though, because, fundementally, it would go aginst how I feel about making somethign work. But... maybe, i'm looking at it from the wrong point of view. Perhaps, it is something created, molded w/ that person, but, it's not work, it's just part of loving that person, and it's something that builds in the background from being w/ that person, and one day, it realized... that hey, this is the person, this is the one person, i AM suppose to be with. I think though, that this point of view needs to be seperated from being comfortable with a person, and knowing a person, and their idiocyrnaces. I think too many peolpe mistake love, true or not, with the fact, that just because of time, you become to know a person, that you know their in and out, and you know what they are going to say next, and you know what the like, what they don't like. That, there, doesn't consitutue love, let a lone a soul mate, and I've seen where people have mistaken that for love, and it has runided them.

Nichole, also had an intersting point to make. She doesn't really believe in soul mates, as I do, as one person somewhere out there. But in soul types. That is a very intersting point of view i think. And, one, that makes a lot of sense. It had defeintly braoden my horizons as to what a soul mate maybe, but at the sametime, ruins the tradtionaly romanatic view of a soul mate. That there is one person made for you. With this... there is a certain type... not a specfic person. So.. maybe, her point of view is true. I hope it not to be though.